About a year or so ago maybe more, a friend of mine discussed “the spark”. What makes two people connect past mindless chatter and physicality. What is the secret recipe that yields the “cuddle hormone” – that surge of chemicals that leaves us longing for more. The answer to this age-old question, according to my friends, was simple. Food, Fashion, and Fun. Henceforth known as the 3Fs. Now, this may sound superficial at first read but continue to read and it will make sense.
If you think about it our greatest moments are connected to the 3Fs. Memories are a compilation of the senses, what you see, smell, taste, hear and touch. A good first date or a bad first date is tied to a moment and an emotion. Our senses help to solidify that moment and emotion as wanting more of it or avoid it. For instance, when something bad or good happens to us and we recant the story sometimes it is as if we are experiencing the moment. We smile or grimace depending on the issue. Back to the 3Fs and how this concept lays the basis for perfect connection.
Food: What’s a date without food? Dinner and a movie or Netflix and chill. Good food leads to good conversation. Food is the greatest aphrodisiac. The smell alone is inviting and depending on where you are the ambiance can be sexy or soothing. Even if you are cooking together at home, the act of preparing the food can be sensual. Moreover, you can learn a great deal about someone from how they cook or what they order. Does he take time to cut and dice an onion? Is she neat? Does she take the time to clean the kitchen after cooking or leave dishes in the sink? Is he a planner? Did he take time to gather all of the ingredients and necessary the accouterments?
Fashion: Fashion does not equate to Gucci, Prada, Fendi but what is it about that persons looks that draws you in. His cologne drifting through the air or the click of her heels against a marble floor. It’s the way he pulls off that jogging suit on the fly that isn’t even a name brand. It’s the ways he walks into the room and exudes confidence. It’s the way her hair is swept over her shoulder or the perfectly unperfected shade of fingernail polish you notice when she text. It’s his smooth skin that that seems to glow as the sun shines on him through the slats of the living room blinds. You can see how these moments are tied to an emotion and how that emotion leads to longing.
Fun: The last F but certainly not the least but it is the preverbal sugar on top. Fun is like a checking account. The more fun you have the more positive experiences you create. The more positive experiences you create together the more you are going to want to be together. Fun gives you something to look forward to. After fighting with the world Monday- Friday, the last thing you look forward to is more of the same. Fun is that bright spot at the end of a long week whether it’s planned or spontaneous. I heard a story once about a young woman who for one week straight texted a riddle to a man that she was dating. The riddle was based upon certain locations in the city and if the riddle was answered they would meet at the proposed location. The riddle was such a success between the pair that they decided to do it at least monthly. It gave them both something to look forward to and helped to cultivate “the spark.” Are you getting enough Food, Fashion, and Fun in your day?
About The Author
Dr. Beatrice Love is a licensed professional counselor by day and a writer at night. Her passion for helping people in all aspects of life is a major motivation for her when she writes.
I have written quite a few articles on the importance of style. The key thing to remember about style is that it is irrelevant if the man underneath the style is underdeveloped. We’ve all seen men who had nice clothes and material goods but had a poor character. Having all the accessories in the world are useless if the man underneath has a rotten soul.
A man seeking to develop himself must start from the inside and work his way out. The man must start with his character. His character is a combination of his personality and his principles. Regarding his personality, he has to be comfortable with his natural temperament. If he is extraverted he must be comfortable with that. If he is introverted he must be comfortable with that. As long as his personality doesn’t cause him to harm himself or others he must embrace who he is. Having a harmful personality brings me to another important point about manhood. A man must have a code of living.
A man’s personality is what he is born with. A man’s code is what he develops. A man’s code represents the principles he develops to guide how he interacts with the environment in which he lives. A man’s code represents how he deals with people. His code informs him on how he will treat them and what he will tolerate. A man’s code also represents how he will fulfill his life purpose.
All men need a purpose in their lives. The very nature of masculine energy is that it empowers an individual to take action. Masculine energy agitates the man it flows through to do something. A man can focus this energy through a life purpose. He has to have something that he wants to accomplish in life. In developing that purpose a man has to have a code as to what he will and will not do to accomplish that purpose.
The key in having a code is that it is something that a man must enforce through self-discipline. Many males walk through life having their actions controlled by forces outside of themselves. Those forces on a physical level are laws enforced by the police and military. On a mental level behavior is enforced through religion and other cultural mores. For the man to truly be a man he must develop his own code that is enforced through his own self-discipline. Only then is he truly a man.
At the core of who he is a man must be authentic. He has to be able to show people who he is. Many males wear the mask of a man but when they reach the crossroads they fail. The mask can only get a man so far. In order to really be a man he must not be afraid to show his face. This is in the face of anything. He must be a man in the streets and on the job. He must be a man on the ball court and in the bedroom.
The style and accessories are important but at the core it is always about the man.
In the game of man gets woman the general consensus is that a man needs one of two things to get a woman. They either need to be very good looking or have the ability to connect with women via great conversation. It’s hard to argue with either one of these strategies. We have all seen women swoon over very good looking men. At the same time we have seen men who may not have blessed by the genetic lottery manage to get very attractive women. People will call it game, convo, rap, or a mouthpiece. So what about the men who are not very good looking and are not blessed with the gift of gab?
A reality is that only a small percentage of men have the type of looks that cause a woman to want to have sex with them like that. Indeed men with those types of looks tend to be rare. On the other hand the number of men with the gift of gab is relatively small as well. Most men are good if they can have an intelligent and entertaining conversation with a few women in their social circle, let alone a variety of women in different settings.
Despite lacking great looks and superior conversation skills there are many men who still manage to meet and date attractive women. The thing that these men have is style. A man’s style is the great equalizer. What do I mean when I say style?
At some point in history these was a man who realized that he wasn’t the hunk that women would go crazy over because of sheer physical appeal. That same man also realized that when he spoke to women he didn’t get the same reactions as a few other men. This pioneer discovered the great equalizer by accident. He must have been walking around wearing animal fur different from all the other men. He also had a string of animal fangs hanging around his neck. He noticed that the attractive women started paying more attention to him. He was able to start mating with these women. The man discovered style.
A man’s style is based on a combination of his grooming, clothing, and accessories. Women go just as crazy and maybe even crazier over a man who has style. I remember when I was in a retail store one time speaking with a friend who was a sales clerk. She and a few other female clerks were going crazy over a man who was wearing a beard, lumberjack style clothes, and a tattoo sleeve on his arm. They said the man’s looks was average but his style was outstanding.
A man can compete with the hunks, and smooth talkers if he has the right haircut, eyeglass frames, shirt, suit, pants, coat, and especially shoes. Some women will reject or accept a man based on nothing but his shoes. Women really appreciate a man’s style. The beauty of it is that any man can develop a style.
The old school players and pimps knew this. That’s why they dressed the way they did. Even now many players are clothes hounds. They know that with the right look and also fragrance that had a strong chance at getting the women they desired. Every single man must develop a signature style.